Presence in the face of a loved one’s pain

What do we do when someone we care for is in pain? It seems natural to want to make things better; to fix the problem and stop the hurting. Sometimes we can come up with a solution to a problem, and make it just go away . Most of the time, not. Lately I have been paying attention to the deeper goings on within my own psyche when a loved one expresses pain. I know I feel tension and stress, but why? Is my desire to fix things as altruistic as I would like to think it is? Is it truly the fact that people I love have problems to deal with, and experience stress and pain that creates such angst within me, or is it something else?

I have learned one thing (well, at least this one thing). If I want to grow beyond my very human tendencies and be free of the burdens they bring, I must be honest, at least with myself! It has taken time to reach the point where I can see enough of my true self not to be crushed by the acknowledgment of my apparent failings. But, determined to do so, I can now see enough of my own light that the shadowy bits of my humanity seem a lesser threat than the option of denying them and allowing them to remain a part of me. So here it goes…

Yes, of course I want my loved ones, and everyone really, to be happy, joyful and free of pain and sorrow, for their own sake! But I have realized that usually the stress I feel when someone close to me is in pain, is that somewhere deep inside I harbor the belief that I am supposed to be able to make it better. As if it is somehow my job to do so, and somehow my fault they are in pain in the first place. There is a part of me that has been convinced that if there is pain, and if I cannot fix it, then I have somehow failed, and am less than I should be. What a massive, soul-crushing burden this misunderstanding has been!

I can’t say I have completely figured out the “why” of this imagined responsibility, but I am beginning to see a way to a different experience. The first step is to recognize what is happening, in the moment. The next step is to choose, with clear intention, to let go of my unconscious and erroneous belief, and to see things another way. As I simply accept that this temporary, human life is unpredictable, and that (for some reason only God knows) pain is just a part of our human experience, then I am suddenly free. I am free to be fully me, and to be fully present in whatever moment I find myself in. I am free to know myself as love. I may not be able to fix the outward problem, but as love I have something of real value to offer… my very being.